Big Moments Big Feels: Life-defining Experiences

Across the expanse of my memories there is one moment that stands out as distinct, a momentous occasion for certain, but one that would also extend far past that singular temporal moment and seep into the cracks and crevices of my life moving forward.

I watched Evangelion.

Yes, yes, the depressed 15 year old watched the show about depressed 14 year olds (and depressed 29 year olds, and depressed 30 year olds, and depressed 48 year olds, and depressed 59 ye-) and it was the deepest, most impactful, most meaningfullest piece of media they’d consumed, quite original there, I know.

However, what truly defines my experience with Evangelion is how long that impact lasted.  For literal years after watched it I was overwhelmed on a regular basis by sheer and utter amazement at the fact that this thing existed.  Its mere presence on this earth, revolutionary and astounding as this show was, became a point of obsession.

A decent part of my outright insane level of interest and investment in anitube is based in my scouring Youtube for content on Eva, videos to put into words for me feelings that I could not myself articulate.

I also did try to articulate them.  A number of awkward, regrettable school projects were made to do this with varying degrees of transparent directness, some merely attempting to elicit those general feelings, some basically just attempting to proselytize the show.

And, of course, my senior quote, something I was granted the privilege of immortalizing in my class’s yearbook by virtue of my sufficiently high class rank, was of course, from Evangelion.

If I were to attempt to explain it, I’d say that Evangelion caused me to experience such depth of emotion, something so much fuller, richer, and more all-encompassing, that it felt removed from normal life, and so much insightful about what being a human was, or could be at the least.

I offer all this exposition as a clumsy preamble to a new era of cringely attempting to shoehorn expressions of my reality-rearranging revelation that other people had decades ago and which is not nearly this monumental for them.

I met my girlfriend in real life, I hung out with my girlfriend for two days, and I saw my girlfriend off as she returned to her too-distant home state.  Feel free to jump ship on this post now, now that the anime talk is over and the chance for any points of marginal interest or insight to any of you along with it.

I mean, you’ve likely seen some portion of my going on about it on Twitter if you follow me closely enough to have come across this post.  It’s another Eva moment for me.  Outside of that, nothing else in my life thus far has created this massive, frankly unmanageably broad spectrum of emotions all at once, and with such noteworthy intensity to so many of them.

The easy thing to point and laugh at is the virginity loss, “oh, hahaha, you had sex and now the secrets of the universe have opened up before your eyes,” but honestly that feels like one of the more trivial aspects of this.

I’ve never felt such raging contentment as when I laid there, head in my lover’s lap, “watching” Princess Tutu while she slowly caresses my cheek; never had such triumphant exhaustion as when I bit into stromboli I’d spent the last two hours on my sex-spent legs preparing, and saw that it was good, confirming the assessment of those who had been served already and proceeding to go collapse into the bed while I waited on the timer that would announce the pie’s completion; never had such sense of validated identity as when I stole her hand under the restaurant table seating us and her family, or rested my head on her shoulder as we drove back home; never had such tangible abstract loss as when those caresses, that pilfered grasp, and that loving headrest, was something I slowly came to comprehend would not be felt again for half a year.

[Insert a continued string of metaphors that are made extremely artsy by just being made of contradictory adjective-noun pairs with some additional fancy vocab tossed in for good measure]

[Make sure to edit out the editing note that reveals the pretentiously formulaic nature of your writing]

[Utterly destroy this tired-from the start gag through absurd and unreasonably indulgent overuse]

So uhhhh…I felt a shitton of feelings really very strongly, to a degree that makes this a pivotal experience in my life, matched by only one other in terms of youthfully naive feelings of “OMG THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER,” and I had to explain that point in exhaustive, pretentious, convoluted, and flowery detail for 750 words because really it’s just about hopeful eventual catharsis through continued expression of these feelings and continuing to do so on Twitter was starting to feel quite silly and even more self-indulgent than this.

Ummmmm….I love my girlfriend a lot so I really miss her and as you can see now I’ve become extremely emo and also 12 years old, shoutout to all the age regression fetishists in the audience, you’re welcome.


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